I’ve never had children. I believe that’s my choice and my right.
Even in the 21st Century, there is often a peculiar reaction, mainly from people with children. If I respect their rights to add to the planet’s population, why can’t they respect my decision not to?
I expect the older generation not to understand, they don’t get why I’m not married either, I heard my father explain to some old dears at a ghastly family wedding that “She’s a career woman” as if by being a member of this freakish species, this explained everything. It wasn’t said with any degree of pride, either. (I think it was called blue-stocking in their day).
Younger people,too, especially those who are particularly proud of their ability to reproduce, have questioned me as if I have “missed out”, due to some tragic circumstance. “Haven’t you ever wanted to have children?” “Didn’t you find the right man?” ” Is there something wrong?” “You do like men, don’t you?” “i’ve always thought you’d be a lovely mother” and other perfectly intrusive, assumptive and downright rude statements.
When I get sick of a series of questions like this I often wonder if I should let them have it with both barrels, then again, I don’t feel I should have to defend my position.
I don’t think people are truthful about the whole she-bang. The conditioning is so intense that some people just sleep walk into marriage, parenthood and then find themselves years down the line, ‘staying together for the sake of the kids’. And, of course, the whole thing is fabulous and wonderful. Without exception. I don’t believe that for a moment.
There is a lot of false PR about having kids. This must be hard for those that choose to breed – how does the reality of a crying child that cannot sleep, compare to the sickly marketing, the social expectations, the sweetened up stories about how glorious motherhood is?
I think that children are little people and like people they are pretty,ugly,friendly,nasty,funny,horrible, loving, hateful and every shade of description in between. They aren’t all giggly,adorable bundles of joy, at least not all of the time.
I don’t think all babies are beautiful. The brand new ones give me the creeps. They are maggoty and parasitical, with those scrunched up red faces and that piercing wail that sends me as crazy as a torture device. And they smell horrible. A cocktail of sour milk, wee and shit. Sorry, I know that’s not the party line.
Some babies are nice enough, once they look human and can respond to external stimuli, some toddlers can be great fun and children too – you might be surprised to know that I’m very good with them, prefer them to adults in some situations – but not ALL children nor ALL people.
And children seem to like me, the ones I know anyway. And the little munchkins have a refreshingly instinctive approach to identifying who is positive and who is negative, rather like dogs and cats.
I fully appreciate that parenting is the hardest job in the world and the ultimate responsibility. Your effect on your progeny is lifelong and at some stage the little darlings will seem ungrateful . It’s too hard for me and I’m not up to it. At least I know this.
I do believe, however, that if you’re going to do it, you should do your best. I get angry with people who pop out kids and then don’t seem to care that they are screaming constantly, getting into supermarket trolleys with shit on their shoes (where other people put their food – for God’s sake!) or running around in restaurants and bars, spilling drinks, knocking over tables or weaving in and out of waiters carrying boiling coffee and hot food.
It shows a complete lack of respect for everyone else. These are often bad parents, the kind that palm the kids off to a nanny during the week and then ignore them while having lunch with their friends at the weekend. Children as noisome accessories that deserve less attention than the Chihuahua in their handbags, who,at least, gets a tidbit or a pat on the head occasionally. Children only run riot when they are bored.
At the other end of the social scale, we have the “I need something to love” poverty stricken, teenage mother. Growing up in a household where little or no value is placed on females, a failure at school and ambitions to be like Jordan; they deliberately get pregnant because being a mother is the only way they can find some kind of worth, believing that the child, at least, will offer them unconditional love. These conditions just replicate, sadly. Lost children bearing more lost children.
And there’s the rest. Good people, doing the best they can. Which is fair enough. Their choice and they have good intentions. They have made a big sacrifice. They care about their kids and have respect for others around them. And it’s great that they exist, because otherwise the population of this land would be a horrible mix of love starved brats and children with child mothers. Hurrah for the parents who raise normal kids! I respect you.
I will still get angry when I see a hair flicking bunch of mothers sitting around their designer handbags, ignoring the fact that two of their children have fallen over and are crying loudly. I’ll still have words with the parents that block access in restaurants for the waiters and other customers with pushchairs the size of armoured personnel carriers.
I’ll still be rude to people like the woman I saw laying her child on the table of a chi chi cafe and changing its shit filled nappy right there, while all around were eating, even though a toilet with child changing facilities was a matter of feet away. (I asked her how she’d feel if I took a shit on the middle of the table while she was having lunch).
I’m not delighted, at 11pm at night, when I’m having an intimate birthday dinner, that the militant mother who has blocked the waiter’s access to the kitchen with an enormous pram, pops out her huge veiny white tit, with its raw, discoloured nipples and attaches a squalling child to it, ignoring the horror of the older people (possibly the in laws) at her table and putting me right off my mozzarella.
Parents or not, we’re sharing this planet and should respect the people around us. Just because you have proved that you can reproduce, does not give you the right to ignore the needs of everyone around you. After all, what kind of message is that sending to your kids?
I’d better get back in the bunker now. Bring on the militant mummies!
This is brilliant – an honest and humorous perception of parenthood – could identify with a lot of what you were saying and I’m a mum of two! I often envy the childless – the freedom and disposable income. I wouldn’t change it though – and thats not me swallowing the propaganda. the best bits of parenthood far out weigh the tough bits. But I totally agree with you on the common courtesy front. breeders take note
Thanks Lucy. You’re obviously one of the grown up parents! Hats off to you – the most challenging job in the world and I’m sure it has lots of great moments when you’ve got it right. Much like everything
Thank you very much for your comment x
Lucy-
You’re a mother, and probably can’t truly imagine a life without kids. But please, don’t refer to us as childless. We are childfree!
Crikey I just nearly needed a nappy myself – this is highly amusing and right on the mark for me (also not a breeder by choice). Not sure why folks don’t understand!
How I long for a restaurant/cafe/bar/store that keeps the blighters away from me or quietly occupied in a sound-proofed area. For some great horror stories check this out: http://www.stfuparentsblog.com
Astonishing quotes from mommy blogs that include a mum whose spawn puked into the produce aisle and she arranged the tomatoes on top if it!!!
Reblogged this on gottopickapocketortwo and commented:
Great article with some funny and piercing insights.
How cool! Thank you. Must get me a reblog button – bit of a newbie to all this! X
It’s so refreshing to hear of people who view babies the way that I do. I wrote this recently:
“I am not just childfree. I genuinely do not like being around children. I have been on a quest for sterilization from the time I was 10 (my mom will attest). I hated dolls, roughhoused with boys, played sports and got into fights. I hated dresses. I am the youngest and thus never exposed to a younger sibling antics. I have and always will find pregnancy disturbing. I think most babies are ugly and look like aliens. I think children are parasitic. I am not a fan of baby animals such as kittens and puppies. I gravely detest things that cannot care for themselves (aside from the elderly, disabled, and sick). I am selfish and loath being robbed of my free-time to go to kid birthday parties. I have a grave dislike for childish things, cute stuffed animals, pastel colors, nipple shaped objects, diapers, singing toys, and baby scented bath products. Toddlers included. Screaming voices, unending chatter, crying, fit-throwing, complaining, whining, stuttering, drool having, and bacteria laden children are EVERYWHERE. I don’t think it’s cute when they play, I don’t find it entertaining when they speak to me and I don’t think their childless wonder is delightful. I am inundated with people discussing potty training, teething, poop, sickness, school and other “child firsts”. This is a problem, because I am as unentertained by children as you are by the pigeons that grace the exterior of your house with shit. As I’m sure you can imagine I don’t fit in well with the world. As you can imagine, I don’t fit it at all with my age group.”
To make a long story short (haha), I completely agree with you! Great post!
Mistress M
http://www.giveheadandheart.com
Honey – we are sisters under the skin. Thank you so much! X
I’m hearing you sister! I too am child-free or rather we are. My husband and I have never wanted kids. And here’s why. It doesn’t matter where you are in the world – I can guarantee you are never more than five metres from someone’s screeching out of control child. The kind of screams that leave your eardrums ringing for a week. Kids are seriously over-rated when they are not your own. There is nothing more boring than new parents droning on and on about their little one’s food and nappy habits. Parenthood seems like a bloody hard slog and effectively you don’t get a break for at least 25 years and even then, these days they take longer and longer to leave the nest. I love my child-free life. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Ha ha! Thank you for commenting. I wish there were more child free spaces because even parents should get a break sometimes! Still, every time I see a particularly brattish kid, it just makes me happy that contraception was invented
I often don’t believe those who stay in a rotten marriage “for the sake of the children.” I think they’re just to chickens*&% to leave and start a new life. Staying for the children just sounds better. Little do they know how nice life is without the stresses of a miserable relationship. Author- The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree
Thanks and I agree. I wish my parents had just split rather than torture my brother and I by putting us in the middle of their dysfunctional relationship. Where can I buy your book? Think it’s right up my street! X
I really enjoyed your essay and I have two children. While I would never change it, the responsibility is truly enormous. Too many people have children with no thought and then do nothing to raise them properly. These children often grow up to be politicians, I believe. Also, the militant mommies are horrible. They don’t just gripe at those without children, they gripe at each other. You’re a bad mom because you didn’t stay home, or wear your child, or breastfeed them until they’re in grade school. Also, and this is not popular, I formula fed my children because I found breastfeeding freaky. And after nine months of sharing my body, I wanted my body back. Yet I’ve been demonized by the militant breastfeeding moms who act as if I’m feeding my children poison. I, too, can’t stand the moms popping the breast out like that. There are ways to do it without exposing yourself. People just need to have respect for each other. They wouldn’t like to be griped out because they had kids, or because they did one type of parenting or other, so they shouldn’t do it to others. I think they call it the “golden rule”. Anyway, good post.
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