Twitter CSA War

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Sad to see the current Twitter war between CSA survivors and their supporters. Once united, there seems to be a lot of hurt, anger and opprobrium being slung around.

My view is this rift has been orchestrated to bring the key witnesses into disrepute, to shut up the most vocal amongst the campaigners and survivors and alienate witnesses. Divide and Conquer is an effective method to achieve this.

It started with poor Steve Messham, being paraded on TV, who didn’t name McAlpine, but was subsequently accused of doing so. Some of the other North Wales children’s home survivors were upset and angry, seeing Messham’s engagement with the media as a betrayal which undermined their own experiences.

I think Steve Messham was duped and used to facilitate the whole ‘McAlpine wasn’t actually named but we’ll pay up” BBC and ITV fiasco in order to take the heat off the reality that there has been a high profile paedophile ring in government and the establishment linked to Jimmy Savile, other high profile ‘celebrities ‘, the secret service and multiple children’s care homes.

The BBC is now under right wing government control as a result. Mr. Messham is suffering and ostracised from the other survivors and now the most vocal and brave amongst the abused are hitting out or being hit in a vicious and derogatory online war.

In recent months, new people have appeared to ‘join the fight’ online. This is where my personal suspicions lie as to the agendas and credibility of these ‘viragos’ which, I believe, have aided and abetted the rift.

I have two questions, without naming names, but those involved in the current fracas will understand:

As a child abuse survivor, why would you trust a hack from none other than The Daily Mail? A paper that has THE worst record of discrediting child abuse victims?

As a sexual abuse survivor, with plenty of experience of psychiatry, mental illness, PTSD and other life-long effects of abuse, why would you trust a “professional psychotherapist” who self describes as a MILF, posts erotic photographs of herself and consistently makes overt sexual comments and propositions to males on Twitter, not with a pseudonym, but under her real professional name?

That may only be the tip of the ice-berg, but that is my personal view. I certainly wouldn’t trust either of these two people, just on those points alone. I do not know them personally, but background and behaviour are enough to make me question their involvement.

That’s my tuppence-worth. I am not taking sides or joining in with the infighting. I would just ask all involved to step back for a moment, look at things objectively and ask the question: “Is this helping me or my cause?”

I, for one, don’t think it is. Please don’t let those shadowy forces undermine you. You have waited long enough for the truth to come out. You have waited long enough for justice. Don’t let them divide and conquer and, in the end, discredit you, the way they made Steve Messham a victim over and over again.

What’s in your baggage? Part three of three

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The three exercises outlined are to help you identify some of your childhood wounds that may still affect your adult relationships. Based on Imago therapy, I found these exercises revelatory, highlighting some of the traits that occurred regularly in my relationships and explained why I might have a toxic or positive attraction to certain characteristics with roots deep in the past.

For the first part of this exercise, I did two charts, one for my very worst relationship and one for a recent partner. What drove the “attraction of deprivation” in my worst relationship was a great deal of commonality in the faults I had identified in my original care-givers and more surprisingly still, the behaviour patterns I used to have in reaction to childhood frustrations were being played out again. Quite an eye-opener.  I hope it works as clearly for you and gives you some insight.

Part 3A: Partner Profile

(Best not to share this information with your partner unless in a therapeutic situation!)

Time: 30-45 minutes

Materials: Pen and paper

Directions:

1. Draw a large circle as in the first exercise, divide it in half with a horizontal line, leaving enough space to write beneath the circle. Put the letter F in the upper half of the circle and the letter G in the bottom half of the circle.

2. In the top part of the circle, list the positive traits that first attracted you to this partner and any positive traits you experienced from during the relationship.

3. In the bottom part of the circle, list the negative traits of your partner.

4. Circle the positive and negative traits that affected you the most during the relationship.

5. Compare this chart with the first exercise circle and asterisk any traits that are similar.

6. On the bottom of the page write the letter H and copy and complete the following sentence:

“What I enjoy(ed) most about my partner is…………………”

7. Then write the letter “I” and copy and complete this sentence:

“What I want from my partner and don’t get is………”

Part 3B: Your unfinished business

Time: 20 minutes

Materials: Pen and paper

This exercise will give you an indication of the hidden agenda you bring with you into relationships – your emotional baggage.  You can use this information to discuss with your therapist in order to “unpack” your baggage and improve your current or a future relationship.

1. Copy out the words below and complete the sentences according to the instructions.

Your relationship vision:

I have spent my life searching for a person with these character traits: (insert the positive character traits you circled in the first exercise B)

When I am with such a person, I am troubled by these traits: (insert the negative character traits you circled in the first exercise A)

And I wish that person would give me (what you wrote in C from the first exercise)

When my needs are not met, I have these feelings (what you wrote in D from the first exercise)

And I often respond in this way (what you wrote in E from the second exercise)

You now have a relationship vision, a description of your Imago, a record of your early frustrations and coping mechanisms, likes and dislikes about a partner(s) and the final sheet shows the hidden agenda that you brought into the relationship(s).

My final “Relationship Agenda”, based on my worst ever relationship, showed me an uncanny toxic attraction to many of the bad traits of my primary care-givers. The “profile” of the kind of person I was looking for only matched in a few respects – in this negative relationship, I had been caught in the terrible re-enactment of ‘lost love’ from childhood and when these needs were not met, I reacted in the old ways of childhood. I now have a list of my “triggers” to avoid.

I hope this series of exercises works as well for you!

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Delusion

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I thought I heard a Knight ride by my window
Just like the stories I read once girlishly excited
His horse’s mane plumed in a gallop flags flown
Features hidden under a visor shining silver
A faceless stranger – every man anyone at all

The words he spoke echoed faintly in the air
And were quickly woven by my eager hands
Into a skein of gold and precious stones glistening
Somehow magical with secret occult spells of power
My veil to magnify and transform you into Him

Through the gauzy gold I saw a pale young Prince
Faultless in body, word and deed he lustily sang
A song that pierced my girlish heart through complete
I was giddy with the legends planning preparing for
Denouement my deliverance into romance at last

Then as if cursed by a witches’ bloodless veiny hand
I cried as the shining tissu fell away in shreds and far
From being Damozel leaning on heaven’s golden bar
Reality was black and white and grey mundane mortal
An all too human a man not a Royal Knight or Prince

I looked behind to see where that dream disappeared
The sight of one true love lost in reality and dust
A gilded fairy tale from years ago locked in secret
A red velvet box mouldy with disappointed dreams
And in the end delusion reigned that bitter Queen.

I had cast a spell on none but myself.

Who’s pulling your strings?

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puppet_624x352There’s been a lot about controlling in my twitter feed lately, so I thought I’d share my views. My only qualification for spouting forth is being the daughter of a Narcissistic mother who controlled everyone and everything around her until her death and, sometimes, beyond.  I have seen control by an emotional blackmail master for much of my life.

As children, we have little choice about being controlled by someone. We don’t have personal power. Well, apart from the ability to scream our heads off for a toy or some sweets until an adult gives in! Even then, control is transitory.

As adults, we don’t have to let anyone control us. We have that choice in our personal lives, excepting children. Professionally is a different matter and for now I would leave out shadowy Illuminati and government forces. I’m talking about control between two adult partners or friends.

Where there is emotional investment, there is often a jostling for control. I think it is usually out of fear. A fear of loss of the other. The person in control thinks he or she is safer from hurt, but the truth is that they are the person who is often more scared.

The person being controlled always has the choice (unless violence or weapons are involved) to allow the other to control or to rebel against it. They also have the choice on whether or not to battle for control. This, in my opinion, is never worth it.

If the two people are healthy, independent, human beings, there is a sharing of control, or even better, no control at all. If we can accept the fact that nothing is permanent, even life, why should we be so scared of loss?

We come together because being with each other is a nurturing experience, something we both grow from and we then move on.

Sometimes there are lifelong friends because of a particular affinity and love for each other, but sometimes friends and lovers belong just to a particular phase in your life. They are transitory.

That’s a difficult concept in our “happy ever after” culture, but one I have come to believe in after looking back and realising why friendships and relationships ended when they did and how a handful still prevail, even if we have periods of absence from each other’s lives.

You can’t control anyone else. Not really. They can’t really control you, either. You can persuade, cajole, beg, bribe or manipulate to try to get someone to stay with you – but what is the point? A friend or lover that capitulates to such bad behaviour will chafe at being caged, rebel and break free eventually.

For me, a healthy relationship forgets about control. We are together as friends or lovers because both parties are getting something positive from the union. We are far from perfect, so there may be disagreements and struggles from time to time. If we can discuss these without blame, without trying to control, they mostly can be resolved – if the gains from the partnership continue to outweigh the negatives.

If the time comes to move on, we should do so, with grace, gratefulness and an open door to future kindly contact and friendship.  Without control, both parties are always free. There is no ownership, just choice.

That’s how I want to live my life going forward. No strings.

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Meet the Gorgon – my shadow

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I am a flawed person, I try to control the ones I know about and pay attention when someone I trust points them out. The flaws I have learned about recently need some examination and the first step is understanding where their roots are.

I can be cruel. With words mainly, less so with actions. Like a lot of people in pain, I lash out with deadly venom (I’m ashamed to say I usually hit my target’s softest underbelly) and the problem with words is that you can’t conveniently delete them or take them back.

It takes time to build trust again.

The shadow side of a sensitive person is the uncanny ability to wound. Empathy gives us insight into other’s feelings, their hopes and fears, their insecurities and their deepest secrets. That is incendiary in the wrong hands or in the mouth of someone who is angry and afraid.

When I was in a bad way once, I verbally crucified someone several times. I perceived that they hurt me, because some of my childhood wounds felt poked at. Specifically, my sensitivities around being abandoned, misunderstood and rejected. As I wasn’t feeling very strong, these wounds were fresh and the slightest connection with them made me wince. The irony is that we tend to reserve our cruellest acts for the people we care deeply about.

The person I latched out at is a gentle, sometimes anxious, person, with extreme sensitivity. I knew without any Machiavellian pre-planning, exactly where to hit. So when I felt they were cool with me and dismissive, I let them have it.

Just a sentence or two, but ones that took them off at the knees. Later, still hurting and compounded with the shame I felt in hitting my target, I made things a lot worse in a flurry of emails. I didn’t want to lose a friend but I was in agony at what I thought they had done. Every misdemeanour, every imagined slight or hurt, came out in a torrent and I hit well below the belt.

There was no response. This made me worse (see Ghost Daddy post for an example of how being ignored is the worst trigger for me).  I continued until I was exhausted with being spiteful.

I then wrote it out. I sent those letters you are supposed to write but not send. I made a great big mess of things. In writing.

Childish, I know. And usually out of character for me. The worst part of it was realising that in my viciousness, I carried some of the deadly venom of my mother.

Discovering your dark side, your shadow, is a scary business. Most of us hide away the more unpleasant aspects of our personality. The opposite side of my generally soft, kind, personality is a Gorgon with flaming eyes and a deadly sword, mowing down anyone in her path that stands in the way of what she wants. She is angry, powerful and ruthless.

She doesn’t pop out very often,thankfully, but I feel her lurking when my softer self cries “unfair!”, I let her play with trolls occasionally, she comes out at queue jumpers, people attacking others, parents hitting kids and paedophile apologists. If I control her, that strength, that deadly verbal weapon, can be a force for good. She is my defiance, my rebellion against injustice. She is part of the fire I have lost during my depression.

But for my friend, who inadvertently stepped on a hornet’s nest, I can only offer a huge public apology. They didn’t deserve that fury or the internecine sniping that followed.  I hope that I can one day make amends. They must feel they have been at war.

It’s good to face your shadow, learn about the darker aspects of character. It is only when these aspects are tamed and integrated into who you are, that you can heal or individuate as that terribly clever man, Carl Jung, often says.

My friend, A.M. I hope you are reading this, I am sorry you saw me at my worst. You have also seen me at my best. I hope you’ll accept my apology and let me one day make amends. I lashed out because I was over-sensitive and hurt, that is a weak defence, but the only one I have. Forgive me. I’ll save my Gorgon for someone who deserves her – you didn’t.

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What’s in your baggage? Part two of three

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This is the second step in the exercise based on Imago therapy to identify the emotional baggage from a dysfunctional childhood that you may be carrying into your relationships. The first step created your “Imago” a list of the positive and negative characteristics of your primary care-givers that still affect you emotionally.

Exercise Two – Childhood Frustrations

Time: 30 – 45 minutes

Materials: Pen and Paper

1.Put a line down the middle of the page to make two columns. Head the left column “Frustrations” and the right column “Response”  Head this chart “E“.

List the re-occurring frustrations you experienced as a child in the left hand column, with how you reacted to them in the right hand column (keep it brief and summarised) as per the example below.

E:

Frustration:                                                                                                    

Not ever feeling good enough for my mother

Response:                      

Continually tried to please her, over-performed.

Frustration:

Father was cold and unavailable                                                        

Response:

Followed him around, did what he wanted to do, tried to be affectionate and was pushed away. 

Etc.

I listed around six key frustrations and responses I had as a child.

That’s the end of the second exercise. It all comes together in Part Three!

What’s in your baggage? Part One of Three

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bags2Wounds from a dysfunctional childhood have a habit of reappearing in relationships and causing problems. Unless we can identify the baggage we are carrying around with us, the chances of us having a healthy relationship are low. Imago therapy is usually used for couples but in my case has proved useful in identifying the hidden agenda behind relationships and where things might have gone wrong.

I’ll outline the exercises and tell you what my experience was at the end of each article. I found the results a revelation. If your emotional baggage is making your relationships difficult, or you want to identify hot buttons that made your last relationship fail, this is well worth doing.

As I did, I would suggest discussing your findings with a therapist as some painful themes might up and you will need to deal with them. I am not a therapist so please make sure if you vulnerable about revisiting the past that you have someone around to soothe you afterwards.

It is important to complete one exercise before moving onto or reading the next. They all link up at the end.

Exercise One: childhood wounds

Time: 60 minutes uninterrupted 

Materials – pen and sheet of paper

First 30 minutes:

Begin by sitting in a comfortable chair and concentrate on diaphragmatic breathing. After ten slow deep breaths imagine yourself as a child, entering your original home. See everything from a small child’s point of view and move around the house and find the people who influenced you the most when you were growing up, parents, siblings, caretakers, teachers, relatives etc. Try to keep your people to the most significant ones.

As you meet each person you will see them with a new clarity. Stop and visit each one. Note their positive and negative traits. Tell them what you enjoyed about being with them. Tell them what you didn’t like about being with them. Tell them what you wanted from them but never got. Go ahead and share your anger, hurt or sad feelings.

When you have gathered this information, open your eyes and get your pen and paper ready.

Second 30 minutes: (take 45 minutes if you need to)

1.Draw a circle about 3 inches from the end of the paper. Divide the circle with a line across it horizontally. Label the top half of the circle B and the bottom half A.

2.In the B half of the circle use single, simple words to list the positive traits of the people who influenced you. Group them all generally, such as “Kind” for all that were kind etc. Do not describe them as they are today, remember the traits as a child – use simple words like warm, creative, always there, reliable, clever etc.

3.In the A half of the circle list all the grouped negative traits of the same people in the same way, e.g Angry, Sad, Cruel, Ignoring etc.

4.When you have completed this, circle the positive and negative traits that you think still affect you now.

5.Beneath the circle, write the letter “C” and copy and complete the sentence:

“What I wanted most as a child and didn’t get was……..”

6.Beneath that, write the letter “D” and copy and complete the sentence:

“As a child, I had these negative feeling over and over again, feeling ….”

That’s the first part of the exercise done.

My experience

The positive traits in my care-givers that I circled were:

Artistic, Affectionate. Funny, Intelligent, Nature loving, Curious, Outgoing, Kind, Creative, Musical.

The negative traits in my care-givers that I circled were:

Misunderstanding, Violent, Cruel, Self-pitying, Cold, Unavailable, Angry, Manipulative, Irresponsible, Critical, Selfish, Unreliable, Sly, Controlling, Isolating, Unloving, Didn’t see me

C: What I wanted most and didn’t  get as a child was: love and acceptance.

D: As I child I had these negative feelings over and over again – feeling isolated, unloved, misunderstood and unseen.

Part Two in next post.

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